is it wrong to fall in love with someone you don't know?

YES IT IS! though i can't say for sure. i've never been in that situation. what i feel is totally based off of infatuations.

armed and dangerous. (haha get it?)

grand hero
from a nobody
modern day thrust into the past

so i was trying to come up with a bedtime story. and figured i should make an outline before i jump into it. isn't that how all the professionals do it? eh. i got that far and decided.. fuck it. i'm going to make crap anyway.. so why not make it at least semi-original crap? nothing is worse than crap that looks cloned. that's a waste of some nice bio-cloning materials.

so once upon a time.. there was this magical marshmallow. jacob. he was only magical in the fact that he isn't like the marshmallows we eat in our world. so in his reality he was just like any other marshmallow.. that is.. until.. he found——the sword. now, this isn't like king arthur and his wicked awesome sword of power. no, not at all. this was jacob's sword of reflection. most swords when you look at them, will give a reflection of a person's external features, but this sword changed its appearance depending on the internal features of the person looking into it. when jacob found this sword, he hardly knew of its power. this was because in all honestly, jacob sucked as a marshmallow. in this land.. all the marshmallows were suppose to be perfectly white, gallant, and perfectly adapt at sword play. jacob lacked all of these features, so when jacob looked into the sword.. it only appeared as a old chipped rusty piece of metal, hardly even worth pawning off. he even found it within the grass. when he stumbled upon it, he figured it could be of some use.. took it and hopped home(marshmallows have arms, but no legs.)

to be continued. (probably not)

my head feels like a blender only.. less awesome colors.

oh wow. sometimes i really can get too much sleep. that fact wasn't exactly brought about this morning; it was only to a small extent (compared to other days).

taking a break from my regularly scheduled blog post to let my viewers know i'm dancing it out in my computer chair to basshunter. headphones: check. awesome beated music: check. eardrums to be damaged from ensuing volumes: check. >:] ARE YOU READYYY?!?! (lyrics from the song i'm playing right now)

woke up at 8ish but didnt get up till 10ish. had some breakfast.. though i can't recall what that is exactly. and moseyed about until the flordia guard meeting. i noticed that i had lost my usa flag patch. D: and eventually got one again at the meeting. upon my arrival i thought i was late due to the text i got from kim "where r u?" and that major bassing was already speaking to everyone. but i was only 1 min late. (3 01pm) we went over positions (i'm now frank's assistant for inventory) and i learned a few things (attention, at ease, saluting, and one other thing i can't remember the name of). fixed up my uniform a bit, and even ate a few cookies. unfortunately though.. i was told the wrong times for the meeting end time. my mom ended up staying outside (not going home cause i thought it was an hour long) for 2 hours. =[.

my dad's been away for work the past few days and came home today during the FGC meeting! (florida guard cadet) wooo. and from that point till now.. i haven't done too much. finished my biology packet on cellular respiration. now to do english and history homeworkk.

oh, there he is.

so woke up at about 8 15ish to the sound of my mom telling me to get up. she had plans to collect rent, and wanted to leave in 15 minutes. i was going to come along. i got up, eventually, showered and ate; we weren't going to leave on time. the rest of the morning is a bit fuzzy. but i left for the house on gardens ave to collect rent and afterward left for bells and sears in search of a red and white stripped shirt. one that looked like waldo's in fact. actually.. i was looking for waldo's shirt. heh. organized by my dear friend rachael, in a few hours i had planned on participating in a grand real life waldo hunt. ended up getting a waldo-esque shirt from sears by u.s. polo assn. (as read from the tag) and oh joy, it's school dress code friendly. skipping a bit into the future.. it was 12 30 pm and i had expected to be picked up and driven off to the vero mall to start the waldo hunt, but a few minutes before that.. i figured i'd wait and keep myself occupied by practicing guitar. so when 12 30 pm came rolling around, i didn't exactly notice. i got a call from another friend of mine, one that i wasn't expecting to come pick me up, christina. we talked about Light the Night. an event i'm planning on going to oct 2nd. (fund raiser for blood cancers) we also spoke about the fact that jack's mannequin was playing that night, and we both did not know. we eventually came to the end of the conversation (interrupted by time, and the end of her break) and i called my sister back (who called during the previous). we talked about my eventual waldo-ness to occur and about getting local scholarships for school. when suddenly! at 1 12pm! the door bell rings. hehe.

rachael is at the door is waldo attire ready with amy and alex (amy's brother) in their cars with chris and alysa waiting outside. (robby is in rachael's car) we all go to pick up daneile. i say bye to my mom and we depart. after a short display of the fact that i do actually know where i'm going in my immediate neighborhood we get to daneile's house pick her up and head to veroo! we have a bit of trouble, feel bad for nick for being on time (saying that we're wicked late is an understatement), and some lovely time on US-1. we get to the mall. amy and alex took I-95 and got there before us. but on the way to meet them up, rachae, robby, and i stop by a halloween store on the way while we were walking to jcpenny. looking for more waldo-esque affects we only came upon some harry potter glasses.. (waldoish?) rachael bought them for me and we continued on our way. the details afterward are a bit fuzzy from that. at this point mostly spot instants of stuff going on.. but overall it was a quite enjoyable day. =].

wants and needs; the difference.

we all have wants, that's for sure. if we didn't i'm pretty sure we'd be a bunch of veggies on our bed doing nothing. you can't live with out wants. whether we fulfill those wants.. is another story. we all also have needs. that's a given. the need for food. for sleep. the need to be needed. and the need to be wanted. some of those might not apply to all of you. heh. our needs keep life moving, keeps things interesting. but of course.. not by themselves. the mere need to eat, doesn't make us do so. it's the mix of want and need to make up life. [NEXT TOK QUOTE?!] it's the exact proportions of how much we "want" to fulfill our needs that make them have there importance. so in this spiral of wanting needs, and needing wants.. where does action come in? the actual result of the compelling force that drives us? what a fundamental question that is. sometimes it isn't enough to know "why" we do something, but instead a commonly forgotten part is figuring out "how" we do what we do. for example. when i get stuck in a rut. the going-through-the-motions sort of mood. i remember the days i didn't feel like this, and i also remember "why" i did what i did. "to please my parents" "to get good grades" "to keep my friends happy" but i never remember "how" i was able to do the things i did to accomplish those goals. i use to get online and have these wonderful conversations with my buds and end the night at 1 am without a lick of sleep and feel as alive as anyone else might feel. but in that rut, i can't remember how i did that. i would find myself online, and end up hiding invisible, not to hide from a certain someone or to avoid some conversation; instead to hide from everyone and to avoid all conversations. i'd stare into my past and look onto myself as another person.. feeling jealous at my mere ability to ramble off, happy as a clam. in short (and as stated above..) i knew why, i just didn't know how. i was lost.

so now, i find myself here. not lost. not in a rut. but on a road. a metaphorical one of course; i have no laptop.. and it's nighttime, the high beams are on. and in the distance i find something that most people would probably switch into reverse for. but me? naw. i keep going. i'm not lost now, or in a rut. but i can't guarantee the future. i'm no seer.

there are somethings that are a definite blur between want and need. and of course there are some that are only debatable by the most fervent of us. (wow, i love when my brain runs ahead of me; i typed the word fervent not completely knowing it was a word.. or what it meant. but i used it correctly! woot. it's not even one of those crazy odd words, but still. odd.) i have a list of wants and needs. as most of us do. learning guitar, finishing homework, hanging out with friends, fund raising for Light the Night, finding a girlfriend, losing some weight, gaining some muscle, learning morse code, finishing posters, starting college apps, finishing scholarship application, keeping in touch, making origami, keeping happy, keeping others happy, sleeping, smiling.

i'm yours.

i think that the reason that i have not blogged since may fifthteenth, is that in light of my hundredth post i wanted to grace it with importance. i was looking for the cure-all of events, the olive branch in my sea of life. i knew i could be naive, but really.. could such a thing exist? that would solve all your problems, and leave you perfect without an ounce of a work done? i really dont know. it would be logical to assume that nothing that great could be part of this world. but it would also be quixotic to think that if i put my best foot forward. id be repayed with an easy life.

i came into this post thinking that maybe if i just started typing maybe something that would make sense would come out of it. i was never really a good judge of that. where i am right now, as in mentally and not physically, is somewhere familiar. a while ago, i woke up to a dream that left a smile on my face. obviously a good one.. what it was about was my first day of school, freshman year. two years ago i moved away from the home i knew of my entire life. 17 washington street, malden massachusetts if you will. and moved into something i wanted to hate with all my heart and mind. i didnt know what was ahead of me, not at all. and in my dream.. it was a sort of total opposite of this. even though it was a new world.. it was a world i had already visited. and everyone else around me was oblivious to the future, which was something i had already done. some small details filled that day. and looking back on it.. that great dream of mine shows probably one of my greatest fears, the fear of the unknown.

a few days away from the anniversary of my moving away. july 1st. i am getting ready to go off once again that fateful day. this time im not moving, but it is out of state. july 1st, is when im taking a plane ride to califorina for my oldest brother's wedding reception. and even though its not the biggest step ill take.. ill even be back on the 5th.. its a grim reminder of all the steps i never took.

yesterday i had planed to make a sort of "failing" list. were anything i failed at, id put it in a huge list of things of other failings. ironically the list itself would have to be on that list. because i never made it. i get a few daily reminders on the list though. my guitar is by my doorway.. the scarlett letter is on the guest room bed.. and a small pile of laundry is right next to my sink. the list would have had an exponentially large number of elements.. and the reason i keep giving myself for not working on the list is that the stuff always just falls through the cracks.

and just to get it out there, i might make this part hidden later.. my love life consists of me being single.. with one main subject of interest. one new crush. (very small, im probably just jealous of her a bit) and a few persons famous and not, that just serve as eye candy. at this point im even questioning why i seek after any of this. within the past week, i had a moment where i think i might have perfectly described it, but i am at a bit lost for words now. when you have someone to focus on, the rest of the world becomes a little bit fuzzy, and you get a chance to have a sense of true safety and peace. im not even sure of that now, since its been quite the long while since ive felt that way. i honestly dont think that anyone i do have an interest can give me that. so why do i bother? a part of me thinks because they serve as a sort of distraction, another thinks that maybe by staying this way something will fall in my lap sooner or later. the last part of me thinks the other two are idiots. and hopes that they are wrong about it all, since from an outside perspective it all looks kinda childish. but i end up asking myself. "if it doesnt mean something.. then why bother?" oh wells. this is one of the bigger failed items on that previous list.

in terms of summer. its a great time of the year, of relaxing and most importantly of a bit of freedom. ive been relaxing, and even felt a great sense of freedom from the academic obligations of the year.. but i feel the time being wasted and not spent. its not a unique situation, and i even feel like im putting the blame on the situation more than on me.. but when my parents go to work. monday to friday, i cant go anywhere. if anything is planned it must be planned ahead of time. and not the day before. and i havent any easy means of transportation (another item on the failed list. getting my permit)

so instead of the original purpose of the post (which i had deemed almost a month ago) to be the post that proclaims some sort of milestone of my life. its become a post that denies that there ever should have been such nope for a post. and just to live out life for its duration, and to be able to look back on it, and see something of it.

ummm.. happy hundredth post?

tangled up in me.

so linux was sucessful! i am now dual-booting windows xp and xubuntu! the install last night took much longer than i thought. in fact.. i fell asleep before it finish. it was ninety-four percent last time i saw it. and that waiting time, quite well worth it. no major differences, just a change in programs, and major use of the command line. i love the workspaces that linux uses. (i use a total of four, default two) they are basically separate desktops.. as if you had four different monitors lined up, and each connected to the same computer. in one screen instant messages, in another an overdue project, and in one more a paused movie. and the poor forth one is fine just sitting there without windows in it. so its cool for organizing and just a very good concept. i also enabled the feature that if i moved my mouse to the edge of my screen that it would change to the adjacent workspace. which saves me so much time instead of clicking the stuff at the bottom of the screen. and with that major good point (along with speed) is a bad point. somehow.. the only screen resolutions in my options is.. 640x480 and 800x600. which absolutely sucks, because i normally use 1280x1024 and everything on my screen is so huge now. (i am sure lauren would like this resolution..) but i am working on this problem right now.. because it is not suppose to be like that. but lots of confusing directions.

http://www.ubuntu.com/
http://www.xubuntu.org/

soo today, i thought i had lots of free time.. but i grossly miscalculated and.. its almost one o' clock. i will not be posting my one-hundredth post tomorrow. in fact.. my one-hundreth post will only come after significant change!

today is ninety-ninth post.