i'm yours.

i think that the reason that i have not blogged since may fifthteenth, is that in light of my hundredth post i wanted to grace it with importance. i was looking for the cure-all of events, the olive branch in my sea of life. i knew i could be naive, but really.. could such a thing exist? that would solve all your problems, and leave you perfect without an ounce of a work done? i really dont know. it would be logical to assume that nothing that great could be part of this world. but it would also be quixotic to think that if i put my best foot forward. id be repayed with an easy life.

i came into this post thinking that maybe if i just started typing maybe something that would make sense would come out of it. i was never really a good judge of that. where i am right now, as in mentally and not physically, is somewhere familiar. a while ago, i woke up to a dream that left a smile on my face. obviously a good one.. what it was about was my first day of school, freshman year. two years ago i moved away from the home i knew of my entire life. 17 washington street, malden massachusetts if you will. and moved into something i wanted to hate with all my heart and mind. i didnt know what was ahead of me, not at all. and in my dream.. it was a sort of total opposite of this. even though it was a new world.. it was a world i had already visited. and everyone else around me was oblivious to the future, which was something i had already done. some small details filled that day. and looking back on it.. that great dream of mine shows probably one of my greatest fears, the fear of the unknown.

a few days away from the anniversary of my moving away. july 1st. i am getting ready to go off once again that fateful day. this time im not moving, but it is out of state. july 1st, is when im taking a plane ride to califorina for my oldest brother's wedding reception. and even though its not the biggest step ill take.. ill even be back on the 5th.. its a grim reminder of all the steps i never took.

yesterday i had planed to make a sort of "failing" list. were anything i failed at, id put it in a huge list of things of other failings. ironically the list itself would have to be on that list. because i never made it. i get a few daily reminders on the list though. my guitar is by my doorway.. the scarlett letter is on the guest room bed.. and a small pile of laundry is right next to my sink. the list would have had an exponentially large number of elements.. and the reason i keep giving myself for not working on the list is that the stuff always just falls through the cracks.

and just to get it out there, i might make this part hidden later.. my love life consists of me being single.. with one main subject of interest. one new crush. (very small, im probably just jealous of her a bit) and a few persons famous and not, that just serve as eye candy. at this point im even questioning why i seek after any of this. within the past week, i had a moment where i think i might have perfectly described it, but i am at a bit lost for words now. when you have someone to focus on, the rest of the world becomes a little bit fuzzy, and you get a chance to have a sense of true safety and peace. im not even sure of that now, since its been quite the long while since ive felt that way. i honestly dont think that anyone i do have an interest can give me that. so why do i bother? a part of me thinks because they serve as a sort of distraction, another thinks that maybe by staying this way something will fall in my lap sooner or later. the last part of me thinks the other two are idiots. and hopes that they are wrong about it all, since from an outside perspective it all looks kinda childish. but i end up asking myself. "if it doesnt mean something.. then why bother?" oh wells. this is one of the bigger failed items on that previous list.

in terms of summer. its a great time of the year, of relaxing and most importantly of a bit of freedom. ive been relaxing, and even felt a great sense of freedom from the academic obligations of the year.. but i feel the time being wasted and not spent. its not a unique situation, and i even feel like im putting the blame on the situation more than on me.. but when my parents go to work. monday to friday, i cant go anywhere. if anything is planned it must be planned ahead of time. and not the day before. and i havent any easy means of transportation (another item on the failed list. getting my permit)

so instead of the original purpose of the post (which i had deemed almost a month ago) to be the post that proclaims some sort of milestone of my life. its become a post that denies that there ever should have been such nope for a post. and just to live out life for its duration, and to be able to look back on it, and see something of it.

ummm.. happy hundredth post?